Thank you Paul.

Paul Estridge died on January 8th, 2023

If you have known me since 2003 then in some ways you know Paul Estridge. 

If you have been (positively) influenced by me since 2003 you have been influenced by Paul Estridge. 

That is how deeply he influenced me. 

I have truly had an embarrassment of riches of people who have invested in me. If I read the resumes and bios of these men and women it doesn’t seem fair. But Paul Estridge’s influence tops them all. 

Paul influenced me indirectly; 

The biggest influence in my life and leadership is Jack Nikcevich and Jack was so deeply influenced by Paul that you can barely distinguish Paul’s influence from Jack’s. 

Paul introduced me to my favorite leadership thinker, Peter Block. I have passed on Peter Block’s books to countless people. No one ever tells me that they loved it. I think because they didn’t have it coupled with a relationship with Paul like I did. 

He also influenced me directly. 

I knew it was special at the time, but I didn’t fully recognize how ridiculous it was that he chose to spend time with me. 

I was 23 when I met Paul in 2003. 

Paul and I were very different. 

Paul was a risk taker, I am cautious by nature. 

Paul rode motorcycles, I prefer a mini van. 

Paul seemed to like stirring up conflict, I (used to) avoid it. 

Paul was a wildly successful businessman, I was making $18,000 per year in youth ministry. 

Paul is one of my heroes. 

Paul was a paradox and it was these paradoxes that made him one of my heroes. He showed me it is possible to be; 

Soft hearted and courageous.

Vulnerable and a badass.

Flawed and faithful.

Invest in others and prioritize family. 

The magic. 

The most formative period of my life and leadership happened over the course of a few years in the mid 2000s. I was running hard at my job with Young Life. I was leading teams and projects and I was disappointing people for the first time in my life. I was tempted daily to pout and whine and blame everyone else for any woes I had. 

I was also meeting regularly with Paul. 

More than anyone I have ever met (Jack is a close second) Paul was relentless about caring enough about me to not let me (or anyone else) have a victim’s mentality. He was relentless at helping me find what my contribution was to the very thing I was complaining about. 

At Paul’s suggestion I read “The Answer to How is Yes” by Peter Block. This book in combination with my relationship with Paul changed me. One of the things this book challenges the reader to do is to change the question, “How do I get these people to change?” to “What is my contribution to the very thing I am complaining about?”

At first this appears to be a question that increases the burden on the person asking the question, but in reality it may be the most freeing lens in which to view the world.

The most helpless position a person can be in is to be a victim.

Answering this question no longer allows you to be a victim.

Until you have answered this question you have given power and control to your circumstances which you have no control of. You have given up agency.

When you have the courage to answer what your contribution is to the very thing you are complaining about you have now identified something that you can control. You are no longer helpless. You are no longer a victim.

I now believe that  the key to success and happiness is to be able to quickly identify what you have control of in any situation and only investing your emotional energy in those things.  

I learned it from Paul. 

I am proud of my kids for many things but the top of the list for me is that everyone of them does this well. I am not perfect at it but I think they would describe me as relentless in helping them figure out what they have control of and helping them to only invest their emotional energy in those things. 

Two dinners. 

One time I was out to dinner with Paul and Jack at Kincaid’s in Clay Terrace. I was probably 24 years old.  I am not sure how we got going on this but I must have been telling some long story about how hard it was to be me. How everyone needed me all the time. 

Paul looked at me intensely and said, “You love being important don’t you. You love people needing you don’t you? You love it when your phone rings or an email comes in and someone wants you to rescue them don’t you? You want to be needed because it makes you feel good.”

I wasn’t a person who swore but I wanted to say, “F You” 

In a way that only Paul could do, it was said without a question about whether he loved me or wanted the best for me. 

He was exactly right. Somehow he had seen inside my soul and wanted to free me and the people I lead from that kind of un health. He didn’t want me to enable people. He didn’t want me to lead out of my own insecurities. 

Another time we were at dinner. Once again I was probably telling some long story. He was challenging me on something, and apparently I had some well worded response to every challenge. 

This time Paul said, “Do you have an F-ing answer for everything Jon?”

This time I said, “Well if I do should I not say it?!?!”

I shouldn’t have said that. 

Once again he saw inside my soul and the way I use words to get out of hard truths. I still struggle with using a calm presence and the ability to put words together to accidentally make the person on the other side of the table feel small. I think of Paul every time I recognize that in myself or get called out for it.

Paul told me (and thousands of others) the things that no one else has had the courage to tell me. They are things that set me free. 

I have twice left jobs that ended with a team of YL staff sharing what they appreciated about me. This was an incredible gift to me each time. If you knew me pre 2003 you would never believe this but in both cases the words used to describe me were  ‘courageous’ and ‘Jon told me hard truths that no one else was willing to tell me.’ That was not me at all before knowing Paul (and Jack). This is servant leadership, which Paul was an expert at. Servant leadership isn’t just being the last one in the room putting away folding chairs, servant leadership is caring enough about the person across from you to tell them the truth- even if it means that will make them like you less.

A few stories and memories:

Halftime: I was 24 or 25 years old and a group of 8 or 10 guys studied the book “Halftime” by Bob Buford. It was about middle age and how to lead the second half of your life. We met in Paul’s office. I cringe at the thought of what wisdom I thought I was sharing everytime I spoke up, but I can’t believe I got to be in that room for 8 straight weeks listening to the likes of Paul Estridge thinking about moving from success to significance when I was just starting out in my career. 

Lakehouse: I can’t remember what year it was that Paul and Judy and Mary Ellen invited Annie and I to join them at his parents’ lake house. I tried to act like this was normal but the truth was that I was pinching myself that I was there with that family. One night Paul and I were sitting on the porch. He was drinking Vodka and asked if I wanted some. I didn’t drink any alcohol at that time- not to mention vodka straight. But I was talking about life, family, leadership with Paul Estridge so of course I said yes. It was dark, so I just kept raising the glass to my mouth but not actually drink the vodka! 

Lunch: I have given a lot of credit to Paul and Jack appropriately, but of course it is Annie who has influenced me the most. If you haven’t picked up on it Paul was a prominent business leader in Indianapolis and the family was a prominent family in the community. Annie and I had gotten to know them through Young Life. We lived in a simple 900 sq ft house, but due to Annie’s initiative and confidence we invited the Estridge’s over for lunch one Sunday. They all came. We sat at our table that we literally checked the legs on before they came over to make sure they wouldn’t break when they sat down. We ate Monte Cristo sandwiches. Ever since then whenever Annie and I see any sandwich that looks like that we bring up that lunch. Their gracious response and interest in us gave us the confidence to invite anyone into our lives and home anytime— even if the legs on the chairs are broken.

Defending Me: I wasn’t used to people being mad at me. I started stepping out into a more courageous leadership style and started to unintentionally upset some people. At one point there were a few people that were really mad at me – and especially mad that I was making these decisions as a 24 year old. A couple of them called Paul to get him to join their side… but Paul defended ME. He had my back, without even knowing all the details of the story.  

Making a fool: We had a YL banquet in 2004 in Carmel. I am almost positive I have these details right– we pulled 3 people onto the stage and had them sing a song while they had headphones on cranked to the highest volume. We basically made them make a fool of themselves in front of the whole community. Paul was one. Guy East was another. (Guy was another Christian home builder in Indy who passed away suddenly shortly before Paul).

Chicago: I moved to Chicagoland in 2015. This was a hard time in Paul’s business. I asked him to come spend a day with the Young Life staff team in Chicago. They were just getting to know me and I wanted them to know this part of me. Paul was relentless in this meeting too, I am not sure what people thought of me after inviting him… but for those who had ears to hear they were deeply blessed.

Drinks: Paul opened a restaurant in Carmel that he loved spending time at. In August of 2021 I sent him a text that said, “Really last minute here… I am in town briefly for an event at 7:30 tonight — will you be at your restaurant tonight? Want to grab a drink this afternoon/evening? I know it is a long shot” He told me to come over. We spent 2 hours together, which made him late bringing dinner home to Judy (sorry!). He told me how proud he was of Annie and I. I will never forget it. I still can’t believe we were friends.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition: Paul’s home building company was chosen to be the builder for a 2 hour season finale episode of the hit show Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I don’t know that I have ever had more fun in my life than going down everyday and night for a week to work with Jon, Erin, Jenna, Joe, Annie and more to renovate the whole neighborhood. Paul and Judy and Jill Wilkes treated us like family the whole week. It was exhilarating.

Texts:

In July of 2021 we had this text exchange: 

Me: Thinking of you tonight… for a variety of reasons…. But most notably for the courage you have instilled in me.

Paul: Bless you Jon. I hope you and your incredible growing family are all well!

Me: You have had an impact on my life that is far far greater than the amount of time we have spent together. You were in my life deeply at exactly the time I needed you and your wisdom. I think about it often.

Paul: I’m grateful to know I was able to help you Jon.  I’m always just a phone call away!

I love you Paul. 

You have helped me Paul. 

More than you will ever know. 

Rest in Peace. 

Judy, Mary Ellen, Coleman, Elyse, Scott, Josh— I am just a phone call away.