Common Deflection Techniques

If we take serious our role of coaching those we lead we will face each of these common deflection techniques at some point. These are learned, but somewhat subconscious, defense mechanisms.

We serve people best when we don’t get caught up in them. I think it is okay for them to communicate their frustration if they then quickly come back to the substance of what we are there to talk about, the problem is when it is used to avoid the matter at hand.

Anytime someone expresses frustration with any of these topics they are deflecting from the substance of what is being addressed and we can’t fall for it. Our responsibility is to bring them back to the substance of what we are addressing.

Communication Platform (In person, phone, email, text): “I just wish you had told me that in person rather than over the phone” “You should have told me over the phone instead of in an email”

Response: “I understand your frustration with that platform of communication I chose and frankly I am not sure it was the right choice, but right now we are talking about ________ and we need to get back to that.”

Who is communicating it: “I just wish that they would have told me directly instead of hearing it from you.”

“I understand that frustration but we are not entitled to people coming directly to us, let’s come back to the matter at hand, is what ____ said accurate? Did you _______?”

Timing: “I wish you would have told me before we were meeting what it was that we were going to talk about.” or equally common, “I just wish that you didn’t tell me what we were going to be talking about because I have been anxious since receiving that email.”

Response: “I understand your frustration and frankly I considered that, but I want to bring our attention back to the matter at hand….”

Seeking Pity: “I am so sorry, I am such a failure….” Trying to get you to say, “No you’re not, It’s okay”

Response “I accept your apology. Obviously you are not a failure but you are right that in this instance you did not live up to what you are capable of so let’s get back to talking about that.

(This is important in parenting as well… We should not, nor should we teach our kids to respond to apologies by saying, “It’s okay” if it is not actually okay-- we should respond with “I forgive you.”

Process: “I just hate the goal setting process, it is a waste of time…..”

Response: “The goal setting process is not in your control and at another time we can talk about ideas you may have about how we improve that process, but today we are addressing the reality that the goals you put down are settling for less than you are capable of so let’s get back to talking about that.”

Systems: “I know we are in deficit but the funding model is broken.”

Response: “I agree and that deserves our attention at the right time, but this is the current model that we are all working within so we need to talk right now about the things we have control of.”

Anger: “How can you possibly say that to me…” (Most people won’t engage with any angry person, so people express anger to keep people at a distance)

Response: “I understand you are upset but I don’t believe your anger is being directed in the right place. Let’s come back to the matter at hand.”