Advice to my younger self.
I dropped Kylie off at college last week. I wasn’t all that sad at the drop off because I was looking ahead. I am excited for her and all that is ahead for her and I am grateful that she is nearby. I am confident in who she is and grateful for the people who will be caring for her over the next four years.
Then the next day, when I was walking to my office the emotions hit hard and suddenly because I started reflecting on the past. I had just dropped off our oldest child, who although certainly not perfect, is a wonderful 17 year old who I have a great relationship with. I suddenly became reflective about the early years of being a parent when I worried constantly because I wasn’t the dad that I set out to be.
I worked a lot but even more than that I was anxious constantly which meant that even when I was physically with Kylie I was consumed with my own thoughts and therefore not actually present with her. For many years on Wednesdays I would take Kylie to get a donut on our way to drop her off at school. (This may sound like a thoughtful ritual, in reality it was just a way for me to make it easier to get her ready for school on the days that Annie went to work early). Nearly every week at some point during breakfast Kylie would literally clap her hands to get my attention because I was staring into space while drafting emails in my head. Physically with her, but clearly not present. (This is to say nothing about the continued battle of having my phone in my hand too much)
My emotions hit hard because though I am clearly not a perfect dad I am grateful to have a great relationship with Kylie as she heads off to college. My tears were tears of gratitude.
I was telling this story to a friend of mine last week who has young kids herself. She asked, “If you could go back in time what would you tell yourself when you were in that stage?” Here is my response
You are right, you need to make some changes. I have fought hard and continue to fight to make good decisions with my time so that I can be with my kids. I am still tempted by work and I still work hard but I am fighting to make good decisions. It is an ever changing thing to figure out what the right amount of time is so I just keep trying to make the best decision moment by moment. More importantly I fought and continue to fight for my mental and emotional health so that I can be present with those most important to me and not constantly consumed with my own thoughts and worries. This has included counseling, medication, prayer and journaling, reading etc. Anxiety is challenging for so many and I empathize with those fighting that battle especially while being the parent of young kids— and my number one piece of advice is don’t concede, keep fighting for your health.
Relax. You don’t need to be perfect and your kids don’t need you to be perfect. You are right you need to make some changes but be easy on yourself along the way– this is a long road and adding guilt and shame on top of everything else doesn’t help anyone.
Keep focusing on your marriage. Kylie is a uniquely thoughtful 17 year old so when she moved out she left a note for Annie and I. The whole note was about how grateful she was for Annie and I’s marriage and how comforting that was to her. I have long been convinced that what kids need most is for their parents to be doing well, but it was so rewarding to see that Kylie noticed and appreciated it too. We are lucky, our marriage has been pretty easy, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t invested in this too. Consistent date nights, reading marriage books, taking walks, traveling together, not avoiding needed conversations have all been an investment that at times can feel like they are in competition with investing in our kids but our kids are the people who most reap the rewards of this investment.
** Marriage is really hard for many people and although I believe what I say above I am heartbroken for those who this is very difficult and I know many wonderful parents whose marriages have been hard and may have ended in divorce.
This is what I would have told my younger, scattered, anxious trying my best as a dad self.
If you are the parent of young kids it is probably what I would tell you too.
