Receiving uncomfortable truths as a test of and tool for attaining maturity.
For 15 years I've battled ongoing nagging hip and Achilles injuries that have caused me to be in and out of physical therapy way more than I wished. The most effective season of PT was with a married couple in Indianapolis. When I would sign up for an appointment I didn't know if I was going to see Jeff or Kristin.
Both are equally effective in what they do, but they do it dramatically differently. Jeff did very subtle things like pushing on the small of my back while he moved my leg a couple of times and that would be it. Everytime I would think, “there's no way anything happened here.” Then I would wake up the next morning and my hips would feel great and I would have no pain in my Achilles. When I saw Kristin she would use a tool that essentially scraped all the scar tissue that I had all the way up and down my legs. I would never wear shorts when I was leaving because my whole leg would be bruised. I would wake up the next morning and all of my pain would be gone.
It was the power of the two of them together that was effective. I wouldn’t know who I was going to see, one would be painful, one would not be but both would be effective.
The same thing is true with mentors in my life that have invested in the spiritual and personal, professional development in my life. I've had an embarrassment of riches from people that invested in me. Most of them have been more like Jeff. They've been encouragers who pat me on the back and say, “good job, keep going.” This has undeniably made a difference in my life. But I've also had a couple truth tellers in my life that have been more like the Kristin. Their investment in me has been really painful at times, but they've been used by God to create more freedom in my life than those who have simply patted me on the back. They've brought health and holiness and wholeness to my life because of their willingness to give me constructive feedback that I needed to hear.
Receiving uncomfortable truths, is both a test of and tool for (Christian) maturity.
The most notable truth teller for me was a guy named Paul Estridge, who tragically passed away in the last year. He was a very successful business person in Indianapolis that started investing in me when I was 23 years old. Spending time with Paul was often the mental equivalent of a PT session with Kristin.
One night Paul and I were out to dinner with the other great truth teller in my life Jack Nikcevich. I got going on some long sob story about how hard it is to be me. I was trying to throw a pity party about how everyone needed me all the time but Paul wasn’t having it. He looked at me intensely across the table and said, “you love being important, don't you, Jon? You love it when people need you….” His intensity building and building…. “You love it when your phone rings, when an email comes in, and someone wants you to rescue them, don't you? You love that, because it makes you feel good.”
I wanted to say, “ F you, Paul.”
Thankfully I didn’t and wouldn’t because in a way that Paul was uniquely gifted at, there was never a question about whether he loved me or wanted the best for me. More importantly he was exactly right.
He had seen inside my soul and wanted to free me and the people that I lead from that kind of unhealth. He didn't want me to enable people or lead out of my own insecurities. He was pruning me. He was ‘cutting off the branches that don't bear fruit.’ This is the kind of truth telling that is both a test of and a tool for Christian maturity. When we are immature we deflect and dismiss the very thing that could be the tool to help us attain the maturity we aspire to.
John 15 says, “I'm the true vine. My father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit while every branch that does bear fruit, he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”
We understand this idea of cutting off dead branches as an essential part of bearing fruit but how can we be pruned if we're too fragile to ever experience pain? How can we be refined by fire, as the scriptures talk about, if we always choose the path of least resistance? How can we gain maturity if we find ways to dismiss or or deflect anything that makes us uncomfortable?
Hebrews 12
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
I love verse 11. “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful later on. However, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
This implies that we have a choice, probably based on our maturity, of whether we will be trained by this discipline. Our maturity will determine whether we will experience the harvest of righteousness and peace that comes with that discipline.
We experience discipline in a lot of different ways but here I will narrowly focus on the kind of discipline that comes from people telling us hard, uncomfortable truths.
Macro forces, systemic sociological factors and even biological realities all conspire to make us comfortable and remain immature if we are not intentional because they keep us from encountering ideas and people that would challenge us to be who God is calling us to be.
Let me explain.
1.The media landscape, by which I mean both news and more than news makes it easy for us to curate the content that we consume to increasingly be only the things that affirm what we already believe we can literally and figuratively change the channel until we find the thing that tells us that what we already believe is right.
Even if we're not intentionally doing this, algorithms are doing it for us. Most notably, social media does this, but so do streaming services like Netflix. These algorithms are shockingly accurate in knowing what you will like based on what you've consumed previously.
Even if only passively we are continually being fed things that simply affirm what we already believe. We do this with our churches, too. If our church starts to say some things that we don't like because they make us uncomfortable, too often we just go to a church down the street. Further incentivizing pastors to tell you what you want to hear rather than the uncomfortable truth you need to hear. This reality has only increased in a post covid reality when all churches live stream their services.
2. Our brains avoid discomfort too.
“Human beings are profoundly social, and our brains are specialized to process social information.
However, it appears that the brain uses more resources when it is in disagreement mode than agreement. In particular, the cognitive processes found in the frontal lobe of the brain work harder to disagree than to agree.”
- Joy Hirsch, Professor of Comparative Medicine, Psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine.
The path of least resistance is for us to return to people and places that will once again affirm what we already believe. In some ways this is an evolutionary survival mechanism, but to its extreme I don’t believe it helps us to be all of who God has created us to be.
Neither of these important realities (media and our brains) are my primary point here. I am more focused on the micro by which I mean hearing truths from people we are in relationship with. When our spouses or bosses give us constructive feedback. When our co-workers or pastor tell us things that make us uncomfortable. These may be hard to hear but they are the truths that could set us free.
We all hit a point in our lives when we're disciplined enough and competent enough that if we can identify a need in our personal or spiritual or character development, we can then remedy that shortcoming. If you are reading this, you fall into this category.
It's at this point that we need help identifying the things that keep us from being who God wants us to be. We need someone like Paul in our life who cares enough about us to engage emotionally and risk telling us things that are hard to hear but may set us free. We need to receive that feedback as an act of generosity.
I'm making this up, but it seems to me that 80% of our Christian maturity, we can attain on our own. We read the scriptures, do the spiritual disciplines, work on our problems, but the remaining 20% requires somebody else caring enough to tell us the truth.
Somebody that can see inside of us and name the things that get in the way of us living into our full potential. We have to have a posture that invites this feedback from others. We must be aware of how we are carrying ourselves that limits candor and feedback from others.
A quick aside- There is another ditch to avoid- that of the feedback addict. Feedback addicts don't want someone that's going to peer into their soul. Feedback addicts are constantly searching for praise, life hacks, or quick fix strategies. That is not what I am advocating for.
Below are the 6 deflection techniques and 2 dismissing strategies that expose our immaturity and prevent us from attaining the maturity we aspire to.
6 Deflection Techniques
1. Communication platform. This happens a lot, especially in work settings. We say to ourselves, “I just wish you had told me that in person. Rather than over the phone,” or “You should have told me that over the phone instead of in an email.” “Why did you have to set up a meeting to tell me that?”
If you are saying or thinking these things you are avoiding the substance of what they're telling you. You're deflecting by way of talking about the communication platform. This is a sign of immaturity.
2.Timing. People will often say something like, “I wish you would have told me what we were meeting about before we met.” Or equally common, “I wish you didn't tell me what we were going to talk about, because then I've been anxious ever since you sent me that email.”
Or maybe this one shows up with your spouse.
“Why do we have to talk about this on vacation?”
“This was supposed to be a pleasant date night.”
“Why are we talking about it now? I'm so tired at the end of this day I've been working hard all day. How could you dare bring that up to me now?”
“Are you kidding me? It's the first thing in the morning. I'm not even awake yet.”
When is she (he) supposed to tell you the truth of what she(he) needs to tell you.
We use timing as a deflection technique away from dealing with the substance, the hard truth somebody is telling us.
3. Seeking pity. This one is hard to admit. Somebody tells us something hard and we say, “Oh, you're right. I'm so sorry. I'm such a failure.”
Nobody wants to make you feel that way. When you respond that way the person on the side inevitably softens what they were telling you. “Oh, it wasn't that big a deal.” Even though it probably was. And they won’t ever tell you a hard thing again, because they don't like that they made you feel that way.
Seeking pity is an insidious deflection technique.
4. Anger. You may use this one with your spouse or if you're in a position of power at work. You use anger to make sure no one ever tells you the truth. You may not even get angry at the person who has something hard to say to you- but you have displayed enough anger around your co workers or your spouse that they won’t even bring things up for fear of how you will respond because they have seen your response to others who make you mad.
“How can you possibly say that to me?”
Most people just won't engage with an angry person. They will never come back and tell you the kind of truth that might set you free if you respond in anger.
Anger is a sign of immaturity.
5. Eloquent words. I am susceptible to both #3 and #5 I was at dinner another time with Paul telling another long story. Once again he was challenging me on something. Apparently I had some well worded response to every challenge. It's what I'm good at. I think on my feet. And I use it as a way to avoid internalizing the truth. Paul says to me, “Do you have an effing answer for everything, Jon?”
And I said,
“Well, if I do, shouldn't I say it?”
This was a mistake, I should not have said that.
Once again, he saw inside my soul and he knew the way that I use words to get out of hard truths. I still struggle with this. I use a calm presence and eloquent words to make it difficult to disagree with me. I do this with my wife and with those I work with. I don't do it on purpose, but it makes the person on the other side of me feel small
6. Power. When you have societal power, or frankly when you're a person of great financial means, most people won't tell you the truth.
It's not your fault but people don't tell you the truth because of the power that you have. They would never want to upset you. It's just the truth. Too often those that have societal power are robbed of the gift of people telling us the truth and we remain immature. Unless we seek it out.
These are the 6 ways we deflect from hearing or receiving the substance of something that would help us to gain the maturity we are seeking.
2 Dismissing strategies.
1.We dismiss based on the messenger as a way to avoid the message of the hard truths that we're receiving.
We probably don't say these things out loud, but we dismiss the substance because
They haven't earned that right to say that to me.
They don't know________ fill in the blank about me.
They aren't educated enough
They're too young … or too old.
They're too liberal… or too conservative.
The messenger is a different race than me so they can't understand
They are a different gender than me so they can't understand.
They're not even a Christian. Or maybe it's that they're too Christian.
We dismiss because we say or think they can’t know what it is like to be me.
They've never been under as much stress as me.
They've never run a business.
They've never been poor.
They've never been rich.
All of these are ways to avoid the substance of what the messenger is telling us.
2. Moral Licensing
This is when we can admit that what they're saying is true, but we think,
“What about ______” and we start listing all the things that are good about us or the good things we've done.
“Yeah, I may have an anger issue, but what about the fact that I _________” This is called
We justify our bad behavior by drawing attention to our offsetting good behavior.
These should be an indicator that we are trying to avoid something and we need to deal with the substance of the message.
I have a lot of conversations with people who end up saying that they can only hear hard truths from people who have our exact profile and our exact life experiences, — if this is true of us we will never become who God wants us to be.
Ultimately what that means is we only trust ourselves.
If you have the courage to pay attention and you find yourself saying these things in your head. Then dig a little deeper because there may be a truth in there that would set you free.
Discerning what is Godly feedback
We must receive feedback to attain the maturity we aspire to, but if we accept everything we hear as truth we would become crazy people and we would lack integrity. On one extreme, we shouldn't dismiss and deflect everything. On the other extreme, we do need to be discerning about what is good, right, godly feedback that is worth receiving.
Second Corinthians 7 has a lot to say about this. The apostle Paul says,
Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves. from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of a reverence for God.
He's writing to the church at Corinth and says Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one. We have corrupted no one. We have exploited no one. I do not say this to condemn you. I've said before that you have such a place in our hearts.
That we would live or die with you. I have spoken to you with great frankness. I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged in all our troubles. My joy knows no bounds.
So this is what we just said. This is what we want. This is spiritual maturity, Christian maturity, purifying ourselves. This is what I meant when I was talking about my friend Paul Estridge. This is how I felt with him.
He spoke to me with great frankness that was helping to purify me because I knew that he loved me. Later on the apostle Paul, says, even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I don't regret it. Though I did regret it, I see that my letter hurt you. but only for a little while.
This is like when Kristin would scrape the scar tissue on my legs. It hurt me for a little while and I would guess she felt bad doing it but I went because I wanted my hips to work like they were designed to work.
(The apostle) Paul says,
“now I am happy. Not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance, for you became sorrowful as God intended. And so we're not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret. But worldly sorrow brings death.
See what this godly sorrow has produced in you. What earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you've proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.“
The apostle Paul is proving himself to be giving godly feedback out of a deep love for God's people.
Feedback discernment tool
Score each of these three categories 1-10 and if the total adds up to 20 or more you need pay attention to it.
1.Reliability.
2. Frequency.
3. Significance.
Reliability. I already made the case that we need to be careful to not dismiss uncomfortable feedback based solely on the messenger, but the messenger does matter. Is the message come from someone of high character? Are they mature? Are they constantly complaining or critiquing or are they judicious? Are they an expert in the field they are addressing? Did it require courage for them to say what they are saying to you (if so it is probably feedback you need)?
Frequency. Is there a pattern of people saying similar things to you? They may not say it in the exact words but let’s imagine that at work that it comes up that you lose your cool sometimes and then your wife says that the kids are intimidated by you. This is a pattern.
If people have commented in multiple settings about how many drinks you ordered this is a pattern. If multiple people have said you come across as cold or arrogant or intimidating or … the score is higher.
I have a former colleague that I adore and believed in so much that I sometimes failed to see her weaknesses. A board member shared very strong negative feedback with me about this person, in particular essentially saying that she wasn’t a hard worker and didn’t care about the success of the organization. These were strong statements that neither I nor my colleague wanted to dismiss- in fact we were both initially wrecked by this. But as we worked through this tool we recognized that though she was not perfect this particular concern was not valid- there was simply no pattern to this. We scored this as a 1 in the frequency category.
Significance of the concern. The truth is that a concern could come from an unreliable source and be the first time you have heard it- if the significance of the concern is high enough you need to pay attention.
I don't care who the source is or how often you hear it. If somebody is telling you that you're being too flirtatious with your co worker- that's a significant concern and you need to pay attention to it. If your spouse thinks you're drinking too much, It's a significant concern.
If someone thinks your emails are too long, or that your laugh annoys them you should walk right by that concern.
Most of the time the significance falls in between my extreme examples here.
Are you a Fish?
When my son was in second grade he came home from school in tears because kids called him a ‘rage monster’ because of how upset he was getting at recess. After attuning to him appropriately (I hope)
I said, “Are you a fish”
Nick: “No”
Me: “Would you be mad if someone called you a fish?”
Nick: “No”
Me: “Are you a rage monster?”
Nick: “No”
Me: “Then why are you mad that people are calling you a rage monster?”
Nick: “Good point.”
In order to attain the level of maturity we are called to we need to hear and attend to messages that make us uncomfortable, hard truths, or constructive feedback. In order to invite these messages into our lives and to not go crazy we must have a secure understanding of who we are. Yes you have areas of immaturity that are still being transformed but;
You are God’s masterpiece.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made by the God of the universe.
You are an image bearer of God.
I knew my hip and achilles were in good hands whether my appointment ended up being with Jeff or Kristin. Our hearts and our character are in good hands too. God is transforming us into his image with ever increasing glory and whether the discipline is pleasant or painful there is harvest of righteousness and peace at the end for those mature enough to be trained by it.